| And so are the Jonas Brothers. |
[Feb. 3rd, 2010|12:17 am] |
I think I figured this out.
Hannah Montana is an on-stage, musical, alter ego. Her entire setlist is a series of poorly composed pop songs with no purpose other than to draw attention to herself onstage. In addition to a glittery wardrobe and a long, blonde wig, she adopts an alternate persona and speech pattern to disguise her true identity. She performs for a very niche audience, but very few people are privy to her true identity.
...Hannah Montana is a Drag Queen. |
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| Writer's Block: Attack of the Rotten Tomatoes |
[Jan. 30th, 2010|03:44 pm] |
I haven't espoused my unhealthy admiration of cinema in nearly two weeks, so this question proffered by the anonymous sources of Livejournal seems right up my alley.
"Cult Film" is one of the most overused terms in all of filmdom. With the exception of documentaries about the Branch Davidians where the term is used in a literal sense, nearly every film with an inkling of popularity is touted by someone somewhere as a Cult Classic. Obviously, a concrete definition of the qualifying criteria is the first step in understanding what makes a cult film.
According to Wikipedia, your one-stop shop for both Game Theory explanations and Muppet biographies, a cult film is defined as such: "Movies which have failed to achieve fame outside of their small fanbases; however, there have been exceptions... not every film with a rabid fanbase is necessarily a cult film. Usually, cult films have limited but very special, noted appeal. Cult films are often known to be eccentric and do not follow traditional standards of mainstream cinema and usually explore topics not considered in any way mainstream—yet there are examples that are relatively normal."
According to Filmsite.org, a fairly comprehensive film site unfortunately plagued by too many ads and clip art, Cult films are defined as such: "...usually strange, quirky, offbeat, eccentric, oddball, or surreal, with outrageous, weird, unique and cartoony characters or plots, and garish sets. They are often considered controversial because they step outside standard narrative and technical conventions. They can be very stylized, and they are often flawed or unusual in some striking way."
So, piecing together these two definitions, we're left with certain, quantifiable qualities:
1) A reverent and fervent fanbase.
2) A level of obscurity amongst the outside populace.
3) Unconventional or untraditional style.
4) Limited appeal due to deviance or absurdity.
( I keep rambling on. ) |
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| Immune to the Cheese Touch |
[Jan. 22nd, 2010|02:49 pm] |
Back in high school, I came across this.
It's called "Diary of a Wimpy Kid." It's a fictional, daily updated journal by a kid named Greg Heffley (written by Jeff Kinney). Told equally in words and crude stick-man drawings, it detailed a year in the life of a kid, tragically far on the left side of the coolness bell curve. It was worth a laugh, so I decided to read a few of the entries. Before I knew it, I was on the last page and my entire Saturday was gone.
Back then, it was still being updated on a daily basis. So I added it to my Webcomics bookmark folder and read it until the inevitable conclusion. Who cares if it was for children half my age; it was a satisfying, if not lengthy read.
Smash cut to college. I'm walking through Barnes & Noble, and what do I see as a cardboard standee next to the children's literature section? Good ol' Greg Heffley himself. Apparently, someone like me thought the story was good enough, it could make money in dead tree form. (Note: the first three books are still available for free at the above link. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, RIAA).
I was pleased. I was also wondering if anybody had secured movie or TV rights to the franchise, because I wanted to spearhead a live-action kids TV show once I had some capitol.
But lo and behold, this morning as I'm making my way through the Hollywood Press junkets, I discover this trailer. Somebody beat me to the punch.
I have to say, the trailer looks promising. There are so many incidents and details from the Wimpy Kid saga, something needs to be left out, but that's par for the course of any book-to-movie adaptation. Everything else, from the casting to the pacing, to the humor looks dead on. Except for Chirag. I have no idea why, anytime there is an Indian depicted in media, he has to be an immigrant who has retained his accent. It just bugs me. |
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| The Oscars Are Made Of Chocolate? Now I Really Want One! |
[Jan. 18th, 2010|02:41 pm] |
Oscar nominations come out tomorrow February 2nd. I don't know how I got that wrong. I'm still shocked and confused about The Hangover and Dances With Ferngully getting the Golden Globes for best picture, so I'm gonna put my two cents on what I think will be getting the coveted Oscar Noms. This isn't what I hope will win, this is what I think will win.
Best Picture
1) 500 Days of Summer - because there's always one lighthearted nominee among the rest (except for last year).
2) Avatar - because somebody out there hates me. And Star Trek, apparently.
3) The Hurt Locker - because the Academy likes Liberal social commentary.
4) Inglourious Basterds - because its about World War II.
5) Nine - because, based on Benjamin Button last year, there are always people who nominate stuff before they actually see it.
6) Precious - because the Academy really really really likes depressing films.
7) A Single Man - because there's always one film no one's ever heard of.
8) Up - because after all the bitching about Pixar never getting a best picture nom, they had to actually change the rules of the game to get on the list this year.
9) Up In the Air - because it really is a good movie.
10) The Young Victoria - because there's always one period drama, and one biopic. Two for one, here.
Best Actor
Jeff Bridges - Crazy Heart
George Clooney - Up in the Air
Morgan Freeman - Invictus
Colin Firth - A Single Man
Michael Stuhlbarg - A Serious Man
Best Actress
Sandra Bullock - The Blind Side
Melanie Laurent - Inglourious Basterds
Carey Mulligan - An Education
Gabourey Sidibe - Precious
Meryl Streep - It's Complicated
Best Supporting Actor
Matt Damon - Invictus
Woody Harrelson - The Messenger
Christopher Plummer - The Last Station
Zachary Quinto - Star Trek
Christoph Waltz - Inglourious Basterds
Best Supporting Actress
Amy Adams - Julie & Julia
Penélope Cruz - Nine
Vera Farmiga - Up in the Air
Anna Kendrick - Up in the Air
Julianne Moore - A Single Man
Best Director
Kathryn Bigelow - The Hurt Locker
Neill Blomkamp - District 9
James Cameron - Avatar
Clint Eastwood - Invictus
Jason Reitman - Up in the Air |
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| 10 Top 10s Part 10: Romance |
[Jan. 15th, 2010|04:19 am] |
The final category is romance, the perfect category for a disillusioned, single twenty-something guy to write about. Clearly I'm the target audience.
( Click Here to see the Ten. )
And there it is; the culmination of my epic maneuver... Fifteen days after I should have finished it. 100 movie reviews and analyses. We now return you to your regularly scheduled program. |
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| Somebody firebomb King Features Syndicate. |
[Jan. 12th, 2010|08:38 pm] |
They're making a Marmaduke movie. Because they can.
I have nothing to say besides a long series of expletives, so I'll just copy the best critique I could find, courtesy of The Horrendous Dave Kablooie:
Marmaduke is becoming a movie. I literally could have been reading the comics this morning and not have come up with an idea this stupid.
I personally can't wait for the scene where Marmaduke, while wearing a trench coat and fedora, is coming out of the butcher shop with a string of sausages in his mouth and the veteran butcher says to the new butcher "I told you that customer looked suspicious." I also can't wait for the DVD in hopes that Joe Mathlete gets to do a commentary track.
Here is what the trailer will look like: It will begin as a parody of whichever superhero movie is going to be big next summer (Iron Man 2 or something). It will probably be a close up of what we, the audience, believe to be a logo or the suit of said superhero. The announcer will say something like, "This summer, get ready for the greatest name in comic history."
*Three second pause.*
"Maaaaaaaaaaarmaduuuuuuuuuuuke!" yelled from extreme close up of mouth as it zooms out to reveal whoever plays Phil Winslow, Marmaduke's owner (I've considered that it may cut to two or three people yelling "Marmaduke" to indicate that Marmaduke, as we all know, angers a lot of people because he is a big dog.). I'm going to stick to the person yelling being none other than Phil Winslow because I suspect the "plot" of Marmaduke: The Movie will be similar to Beethoven.
Cue the song Papa's Got A Brand New Bag, I Got You (I Feel Good), Super Bad or some other upbeat James Brown song that isn't It's A Man's Man's Man's World or Say It Loud. The song may actually begin with a record scratch.
Marmaduke's head will appear from one of three hilarious locations: a big pile of sausages, a big pile of suds (most likely from a washing machine being overloaded with soap when Dottie tries to wash him), or from a hole in the ground that Marmduke himself has been digging.
At this point, the trailer will show the "funny" bits of the movie which will essentially be nothing more than a recreation of several Marmaduke dailies. And a giant cake will be involved which will fall on someone, or someone will fall into.
At some point the dog will be wearing sunglasses, riding a surfboard, and Phil Winslow will smack his forehead/face palm and groan with an exaggerated sound effect. The trailer will end with a rephrasing of "coming soon" to include a dog-related pun. This pun will be the funniest thing associated with the movie. |
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| 10 Top 10s Part 9: Thrillers |
[Jan. 10th, 2010|12:34 am] |
Thrillers are defined as such: A villain driven plot, wherein said villain presents obstacles the hero must overcome. This is an all-encompassing genre combining Action, Adventure, War, Mystery, Suspense, and Psychological Mindfucks.
( 'Cause this is thriller, thriller night. And no one's gonna save you from the beast about strike )
One more section til I'm done with this. Which is good. Because my hand is hurting. The final segment, Romance, coming up shortly. |
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| 10 Top 10s Part 8: Musicals |
[Jan. 7th, 2010|02:33 am] |
Music is awesome. Movies are awesome. If you can get good music into a good movie, you get the artistic equivalent of a Brownie Sundae. These are the ten best musicals of the Aughts.
( Fear not; No High School anything )
Part 9 is next. My ten favorite Thrillers. |
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| 10 Top 10s Part 7: Comedy |
[Jan. 4th, 2010|02:51 am] |
Comedy is my favorite genre of film. You can totally tell, as comedies keep slipping onto other lists (Zombieland, Catch Me if You Can, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang). As such, it's nigh-on impossible to even try and claim objectivity here. While all ten parts of this project are my personal choices, here it shines harsher than ever.
These are ten comedies from the past ten years that I truly enjoyed. I make no apologies.
( Click to View )
Part 8 coming soon. Music and Musicals. |
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| 2009: A year of animation and averages. |
[Dec. 31st, 2009|03:32 am] |
Damn New Years sneaking up faster than I can type.
Here's my top 11 because I'm tired of looking at the number 10. No summaries because the 10 top 10s project is killing me enough as it is.
11. Pirate Radio
10. District 9
9. Me & Orson Welles
8. The Men Who Stare at Goats
7. Zombieland
6. Fantastic Mr. Fox
5. The Hurt Locker
4. (500) Days of Summer
3. Up in the Air
2. Coraline
1. Star Trek
Honorable mentions: Adventureland, Away We Go, Big Fan, Whip It, Up
Need to see: The Damned United, Food Inc, Imaginarium of Dr. convoluted name, It Might Get Loud, Moon, The Road
What's to be learned this year? Animation kicks ass.
What else? A lot of promises were made this year, both for prestige and popcorn flicks, and most faltered. They weren't bad, just average. Watchmen, Harry Potter 6, Friday the 13th, Halloween 2, 9, Nine, Amelia, Capitalism: a Love Story, A Serious Man, Terminator Salvation, Wolverine, Extract, Brothers Bloom, Public Enemies, Monsters Vs Aliens, In the Loop, Ponyo, Transformers 2, GI Joe, The Informant, The Blind Side, Invictus, An Education, The Lovely Bones, and It's Complicated all performed under expectations. They weren't (all) bad, just disappointing. A bunch of average films failing to match the hype.
Even my beloved Pirate Radio and Men Who Stare at Goats got little more than a Meh, which troubles me. Perhaps Hollywood has gotten too complacent. They've had a winning formula for so long, they got cocky and the cracks are showing. They need something to shake up the system, breathe some fresh life into it.
Good thing I got that degree. |
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| 10 Top 10s Part 6: Heist and Crime |
[Dec. 31st, 2009|01:50 am] |
Sorry this took so long to get up. I've been without internet for five days. I worked as fast as I could to get this up, because I know you've been waiting on pins and needles.
Heist and Crime are hereby designated as any film focusing on thievery, anti-heroes, and/or murder as major plot themes. Crime and Heist is centralized on the specific titular dramatic element without fully crossing the boundary into suspense, thriller or action.
( Here are ten )
Up next is Comedy. Prepare for groans and disagreement. |
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| 10 Top 10s Part 5: Biopics |
[Dec. 24th, 2009|06:25 pm] |
Amazing stories and adventures don't happen to characters because they're in a movie, they're in a movie because amazing stories and adventures happen to them. Sometimes this movie magic happens in real life. And then, quite ironically, those lives are turned into movies. Of course, certain items are romanticized, certain details are omitted, and occasionally the factual elements are skewed for the sake of cohesiveness and clarity, but the impact's still the same. Here are my top ten biopics of the past ten years:
( Click here to see them )
Next up: Crime & Neo-Noir |
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| 10 Top 10s Part 4: Animation |
[Dec. 21st, 2009|11:16 pm] |
As Martha pointed out, Animation isn't a genre. And she's right. Animation isn't a genre, it's a medium. It's no more a genre than "3D" or "Black & White." A film can be animated, and fit any other genre: Sci-fi, comedy, drama, horror, fantasy, family, etc. Unfortunately, the mass public sees otherwise. In the majority's eyes, a cartoon is a cartoon is a cartoon, be it Don Bluth or Don Marten, Bill Melendez or Bill Plympton, Jack Kirby or Jack Cole. It's why The Simpsons wound up in the #1 spot on BBC4's 100 Greatest Kids shows.
Maybe someday audiences will wise up. And maybe someday I'll get those rocket-powered rollerblades.
Until then, I'll continue to reserve a special section for animation. Not because I think it's different in quality than live-action films (see The Incredibles) , but because I think the fluidity, enticement and appeal of animation should be compared against each other. The same way romanticism paintings are kept in different museum wings than impressionist paintings. And if I use the term "genre" it's simply an umbrella term to reduce semantic clutter.
That being said, it's time to continue on to my 10-favorite animated films of the past decade, excluding those featured elsewhere on my countdown.
( And here they are )
Next , I pick my 10 favorite Biopics. |
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| 10 Top 10s Part 3: Superheroes |
[Dec. 19th, 2009|01:32 pm] |
Whiff! Bam! Pow! Sock! Pang! Jort! Clob! Horf! Dun! Zig! Err! Tork! Shoe! Gant!
...What was I doing?
The superhero film was the most bankable franchise in the aughts; some good films, some okay, some terrible, and some marvelous.
( Click here to see my ten favorite )
Coming up: My ten favorite Animated Films |
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| 10 Top 10s Part 2: Sci-Fi & Fantasy |
[Dec. 16th, 2009|01:29 pm] |
I think the forces of the universe are conspiring against me; I will never be able to see Moon. As such, it's inclusion is most likely absent from this segment.
Today's genre: Science Fiction and Fantasy. Since I'm fairly certain Avatar will be the next Waterworld, I'm ready now to tabulate the decade's best sword and sorcery, star-skipping, supernatural, and outer spacial escapades.
( Click here to see them )
Next up is my opinion on the decade's signature sub-genre: The 10 best superhero movies. |
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| 10 Top 10s Part 1: Horror |
[Dec. 15th, 2009|02:50 am] |
I've been hesitant to proclaim my favorite films for the year. What with the Hollywood system sticking 1/3 of all memorable films December, plus a bevy of limited releases that don't hit mass market until mid-January, I feel like I jump the gun if I compile a list at the actual year end.
But this isn't just a year-ending list. This is a decade-ending list. Ten years worth of escapades, adventures, tragedies, and triumphs. A list of this magnitude can't be bogged down by long, boring, depressing Oscar bait (Looking at you, Invictus.)
Who cares. This is my list. I can be as subjective as I damn well want to be. This is my own personal dealie, and I don't have to impress anyone. I may have never seen A Beautiful Mind, but I have seen hundreds of other movies. I don't wanna talk about dramas. Genres are where its at. Over the next coupla days, I'm gonna pick my ten favorite films of the decade in ten different genre categories.
Today we start with one of the harder categories: Horror.
What films have kept me startled, spooked, and creeped right the fuck out since 2000?
( Click here to see. )
Next Update: Fantasy & Sci-fi |
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| Who needs sleep, tell me what's that for? |
[Dec. 12th, 2009|01:52 am] |
I don't get sleep.
I mean, I understand the science of it, I just don't understand its purpose.
I stay up late because I'm no bitch to my circadian rhythms. Usually, I only go to sleep because society demands it, and there's nothing on TV. I'm still usually energetic and vibrant when I decide to go to sleep.
When I wake up, however, I lie in bed for an hour listening to my clock radio alarm going off. I'm so tired, I can't even lift my head. Some time later, I lurch out of bed and into the shower. It takes me another hour to clean the cobwebs out of my head and get to full intellectual prowess.
I go to sleep alert and I wake up tired. Benjamin Button's my sandman.
Let me end by quoting the 20th century's greatest philosopher, George Carlin:
"People say "I'm going to sleep now", as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. "For the next several house, while the sun is gone, I'm going to become unconscious, temporarily losing command over everything I know and understand. When the sun returns, I will resume my life.
"If you didn't know what sleep was, and you had only seen it in a science fiction movie, you would think it was weird and tell all your friends about the movie you'd seen.
"they had these people, you know? And they would walk around all day and be OK? and then, once a day, usually after dark, they would lie down on these special platforms and become unconscious. They would stop functioning almost completely, except deep in their minds they would have adventures and experiences that were completely impossible in real life. As they lay there, completely vulnerable to their enemies, their only movements were to occasionally shift from one position to another; or, if one of the 'mind adventures' got too real, they would sit up and scream and be glad they weren't unconscious anymore. Then they would drink a lot of coffee.
"So next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you're in a science fiction movie. And whisper, "the creature is regenerating itself."" |
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| I accidentally turned this into a Suicidal Tendencies song. |
[Dec. 7th, 2009|05:50 pm] |
It's that time of year.
It's that time when I look out the window and I ask, "When the hell did it start snowing?"
And my mom says, "Adam, watch your language."
And I say, "Okay, but still, when did it start snowing?"
And she says, "A couple of hours ago. Look out your window sometime."
And I realize I've been typing on my computer for fourteen hours straight.
I think my retinas are bleeding. |
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