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Adam Jaspering

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Still rocking the PS2 [May. 17th, 2011|02:14 pm]
Adam Jaspering
Annoying things from the 00's I've already (mostly) forgotten about:

The original Extreme Makeover, The Swan and I Want a Famous Face
Good Charlotte
Vince from ShamWow
Kate Gosselin
Ashlee Simpson
John Edwards (The psychic)
Crazy Frog
Tila Tequila
John Basedow
The Darkness
Dr. Phil
Hillary Duff
Ned Holness
Our Lady Peace
Zac Efron (close enough by my standards)
Christopher Lowell
William Hung
Paris Hilton's shorter clone (Nicole something. I forget her name and I'm not looking it up.)
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We Runnin' Out of French Fries and Burrito Coverings. But I Got a Solution. [Apr. 28th, 2011|01:24 pm]
Adam Jaspering
I get a kick out of onomastics and anthroponymy. For those without dictionaries immediately available, those are the studies of names and their effects on society.

I went to middle school with a girl named Ashley Meinershagen. That's MINE-uhr-shay-gehn. I'm fairly certain it is the greatest name I've ever heard. I never really talked to her outside of class projects, and I haven't even thought about her since 8th grade. But I found myself thinking about her today.

Because today I was watching The Daily Show. They were going on and on about Donald Trump and his ongoing efforts to become the real-life President Camacho. That's when I realized something: At least half of Trump's ego stems from his own name.

Trump. It's short, it's punchy, it ends with a plosive. It's a noun meaning "herald" and a verb meaning "to overpower." It's an intimidating name. Mr. Trump brands everything he owns with his own name. Like some combination of King Midas and a graffiti artist. Like a dog marking his territory, or a kid at summer camp who doesn't want to lose his underwear.

And it got me thinking. Is Donald Trump proud of his name, or is he proud because his name is Trump? What if his last name was Meinershagen? A cumbersome, easily misspelled, four-syllable name? Would the unfortunate deniens of the world be exposed to the likes of Meinershagen Tower, Meinershagen Plaza, Meinershagen Grande Ocean Resort and Residences, The Waikiki Meinershagen International Hotel and Tower, and the Meinershagen Entertainment Resorts Holdings?

He's declared bankruptcy four times with the name Trump. Maybe as Donald Meinershagen, it would actually stick.
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A Touch of Grey Kinda Suits You Anyway [Apr. 20th, 2011|10:49 pm]
Adam Jaspering
At work tonight, we were screening a special concert performance by The Grateful Dead, recorded months prior to the death of Jerry Garcia. Check the date, ladies and gentlemen.

Anyways, the theater tonight was full of tie-dyed, leather wearing, braided hippies, and other red-eyed, latter-day hippies who were not walking stereotypes. All of which had a very noticeable, unique aroma. And I don't mean buttered popcorn.

If you ever come across them while they're peaking, Deadheads are the nicest people you will ever meet. Every single one of them were polite, albeit a bit flighty and indecisive at the concession stand. I was able to upsell 75% of all orders, and met my nightly quota in two hours. They were so happy we sold warm pretzels.

Sometimes customers walked away without taking their food. I flagged them down, of course. They all thought it was funny. I thought it was funny. I think I got a contact high from that very noticeable, unique aroma.
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52°40'N, 08°37'W [Apr. 17th, 2011|10:36 pm]
Adam Jaspering
There are many major goings on in my life, but I find blogging in a genuine, snarkless manner to be tedious. I'll remedy this as best I can.

There once was a boy named Adam.
Who was told to go out there and get 'em.
He went to college
To get some knowledge
And woulda stayed there if only they let 'em.

He applied for every job that he could.
But only found out where he stood.
The whole economy's failing,
You might as well be wailing:
"Me am can do many things good!"

His student loans stand idly by.
His bank account began running dry.
No chance for employment,
No funds for enjoyment.
He'd never know if the second cake was a lie.

He needed a short term solution
While his resume got distribution.
Back to minimum wage work,
With dignity shirked
Til his eyes feel like Chiens Andalusian.

Oh, but here's the crown jewel.
It's the same locale as high school.
But with six more years on the meter,
At the same goddamn movie theater,
Sometimes fate can be cruel.

It's a tragic comedy into which I delve.
'Cuz it's my whole life I have to shelve.
I just need some cash,
So I'll rent out my ass.
I hope the world ends in 2012.
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Serviette, Pencil Crayon, Chesterfield, Garburator, Parkade [Apr. 10th, 2011|11:42 pm]
Adam Jaspering
The warm season is now finally upon us. Oh, how I hate it.

If you know me, or have have the misfortune of being within earshot of me late-May through early-September, you know I hate summer and love winter. I love parkas, I hate shorts. I like space heaters, I hate oscillating fans. I like saucers and sleds, I hate slip and slides. And I think women look sexy wearing sweaters and boots.

I used to accept my status as a minority, but I did some soul-searching and realized the problem is actually much deeper. It's startling, life-changing, and probably expensive.

I am a Canadian.

It all seems so obvious in retrospect, like it's been staring me in the face. I am a Canadian. I don't bemoan the United States or my upbringing as an American, it just seems I had the misfortune of being born in the wrong country.

Let's examine the facts:
+ I love hockey, and dislike football
+ Donuts are transcendentally awesome
+ I pronounce 'Sorry' as 'SOAR-ee'
+ My favorite band is Barenaked Ladies
+ I want to work in the film industry
+ I consume Kraft brand macaroni and cheese at least twice a month
+ You Can't Do That On Television was/is/always will be hilarious
+ I can speak French
+ I say please and thanks to a fault
+ I watch American television shows
+ Gravy fries or cheese fries? Put that shit together and call it a meal.
+ I found Alanis Morissette attractive long after it was socially acceptable
+ I have often commented on my beer being watery and inadequately potent
+ Arcade. Fucking. Fire.
+ I am a proponent of gay marriage, universal healthcare, legalized cannabis, and a lower drinking age
+ I have no opinions on beavers, but the moose is an awesome and mighty animal

Clearly I'm a Canadian trapped in an American's body.
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Musings on Driving Through Missouri [Apr. 2nd, 2011|12:48 pm]
Adam Jaspering
"Let he without sin cast the first stone."
I should have ducked.
Religion is fine.
The religious are fucked.

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Like, Totally [Mar. 25th, 2011|01:06 am]
Adam Jaspering
I went 0/3 at game night. Time to boost the ol' ego again with brain teasers.

I like Budweiser, but not Coors.
I like Kentucky Fried Chicken, but not Popeye's.
I like Coca-Cola, but not Pepsi.
Which do I like: Ford, Chevrolet, or Hyundai?

I like Nigeria, but not Namibia.
I like Austria, but not Switzerland.
I like Dominican Republic, but not Haiti.
Which do I like: Mauritania, Algeria, or Morocco?

I like Potassium, but not Calcium.
I like Tungsten, but not Silicon.
I like Silver, but not Platinum.
Which do I like: Aluminum, Zinc, or Iron?

I like American Beauty, but not The Cider House Rules.
I like Sunset Boulevard, but not The Maltese Falcon.
I like Sin City, but not The Dark Knight.
Which do I like: Akira, Grave of the Fireflies, or Spirited Away?

I like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but not Firefly.
I like Futurama, but not The Simpsons.
I like Mystery Science Theater 3000, but not The Colbert Report.
Which do I like: Scrubs, Arrested Development, or 30 Rock?

I like George Washington, but not Thomas Jefferson.
I like Dwight D. Eisenhower, but not Harry S. Truman.
I like Andrew Jackson, but not James Madison.
Who do I like: John Tyler, James K. Polk, or Zachary Taylor?

I like The Band, but not The Guess Who.
I like The Eagles, but not The Kinks.
I like The Dave Clark Five, but not The Spencer Davis Group.
Who do I like: Genesis, The Police, or Queen?

I like Pomegranates, but not Peaches.
I like Strawberries, but not Cherries.
I like Kiwis, but not Watermelons.
Which do I like: Apples, Oranges, or Bananas?

I like For Whom the Bell Tolls, but not A Farewell to Arms.
I like Don Quixote, but not Beowulf.
I like Digital Fortess, but not The Da Vinci Code.
Which do I like: Homage to Catalonia, Flags of Our Fathers, or The Things They Carried?

I like Daniel, but not Donald.
I like Joel, but not Joseph.
I like Ruth, but not Ruby.
Who do I like: Michael, Martin, or Matthew?
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Damn it, I wanted that grain. [Mar. 20th, 2011|05:21 pm]
Adam Jaspering
I suppose I should update this since I haven't in a while, but mostly because I'm tired of looking at that dumb My Little Pony spiel I wrote while drunk.

I've got a new hobby. Board Games.

I needed something social to do in my free time. Sitting around the house was driving me crazy, and my total hours of playtime in Team Fortress 2 were approaching quadruple digits. I needed something I could do that would get me out of the house, allow me to meet other people, and interact in a social environment. And most importantly, with people who don't want to dominate the conversation with their NCAA brackets. I don't really care for sports to begin with, but God, I hate basketball. Especially the college variety.

So I considered my hobbies. What do I enjoy? That thought process was a major buzzkill. I instead focused on something far less pathetic: what could I potentially enjoy? I headed on over to meetup.com (because I have slowly devolved into the type of person who can only do things if the computer will let me). There are a lot of social groups in St. Louis, but since I am not a spiritual teen Christian, an urban single aged 30-55, or a trendy African sistah, I was left with few options. But one group stood out above the remainders: Board Games.

Despite extenuating evidence to the contrary, I'm actually a smart person. I have a good memory, I can rationalize and realize complex sequences, I enjoy logic puzzles, and am good with strategies. So board games seem like a good fit. After only a couple of weeks with the group, it's become painfully obvious that I'm an idiot for not pursuing this hobby sooner.

That's a common lament for me. I enjoy many, many things, but looking back at my childhood and teenage years, I cannot name one interest, hobby, or past time I actively pursued. I just remember watching a lot of TV, reading a lot of books, and playing a lot of video games. Practically 75% of my personality I developed in college. It's probably genetic; my family are the kind of people you have to jab with a cattle prod to do anything. My father hates any form of social interaction, and my mother won't do anything without first establishing a rigid timetable. They're like villains from a straight-to-DVD cartoon; The Fun Killers. No fun!

Aw geez, listen to me whine like the suburban white boy I am.

Back to gaming. When I say 'Board Games,' I want you to understand my meaning. While I enjoyed the seemingly nightly games of Clue during freshman year, it is not a fair comparison. I'm playing games like Settlers of Catan, Le Havre, Agricola, Pandemic, Paths of Glory, 20th Century, Ticket to Ride, Shogun, and Code 777. Games that take twenty minutes to set up, take two hours to play, and have a hundred little wooden pieces and indecipherable tiles. It's incredibly geeky, and not something I should be proud of, but I enjoy it, and I'm getting pretty good at everything I play.

And for reasons I cannot explain, I feel boss wielding a pair of dice.
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ABC-DEF-GHI-JKL-MNOP-QRSTUV-WXYZ. It's The Most Remarkable Word I've Ever Seen. [Mar. 13th, 2011|10:38 pm]
Adam Jaspering
Alphabet MemeCollapse )
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Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged [Feb. 23rd, 2011|02:01 am]
Adam Jaspering
There is, apparently, a new incarnation of My Little Pony on cable somewhere.

According to my sources, it is superior to its 80's predecessor in terms of both writing and animation.

This cartoon has a significant following outside their target (and I'm guessing desired) demographic.

Specifically, adult men.

Adult men. Watching My Little Pony.

They call themselves Bro-nies.

Even though I am not part of this group, I can not tell you how hilarious I find all this information.

Not in a derisive way, more in a 'this shouldn't be an actual manifestation, and yet here I am experiencing it' sort of way. I want to say I respect these guys, but I know respect isn't the appropriate word in this context. Maybe its the complete and total demolition of gender lines, maybe its campy how they're so unabashedly proud, maybe it's just the idea of grown men watching a program where one of the main characters is named "Pinkie Pie."


You Bro-nies have my support.
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